“Vlad, I’m going to need some hel—who is this?” The suspicion in her tone had me biting back a sigh. It had been centuries. Fidelity wasn’t common or even aspired to amongst royalty in our living days. Mehmet had a bloody harem for Satan’s sake! But no, I have one little fling and Anastasia hangs it over my head for the rest of our days.

 

Perhaps a round of couples counseling is in order.

 

“This is Barb Delancy, one of our neighbors. She’s come to welcome us to the neighborhood. Barb Delancy, allow me to present my beloved wife, first in my heart, Anastasia.” There, perhaps that might assuage Anastasia’s concerns.

 

Barb Delancy stuck out her hand in greeting. Anastasia stared at it like it was something an imp vomited on the doorstep. I cleared my throat, going for a subtle reminder that we were not to draw attention to ourselves in any undue fashion.

 

Unfortunately, I swallowed wrong and ended up bent over at the waist hacking into the admittedly lovely green lawn. Barb Delancy pounded me on the back for some unknown reason, though I did appreciate the strength she put into her blows. Perhaps this was some king of welcome to the neighborhood salute?

 

Anastasia did not take kindly to a strange woman placing her hands upon me. She hurried over and likewise began beating me, though her blows seemed to focus about my head rather than my back. After a few moments of this, I straightened and stepped out of both of their reaches.

 

“Apologies,” I said with a dip of my head.

 

“Nothing to worry about. I think we’ve all had something go down the wrong pipe.” Barb wiped her hand on the side of her pants with a strained smile.

 

Anastasia tucked her arm into mine, leaning her head against my arm. With the humidity in the air, it was like being hugged by a wet koala. My brocades and trousers and boots were not meant for this kind of weather. The heat in Hell had been much dryer.

 

“Did I just hear you mention needing help?” Barb Delancy asked Anastasia. “We’ve got a terrific housekeeper—she keeps the place spotless and is very reasonable. All under the table. And if you need suggestions for a yard man, I’m happy to pass along the service we use.”

 

These words she said made sense individually but put together left me adrift. Still, these were household tasks and that fell strictly under my wife’s demesne. I would defer to her expertise. Though I think Lucifer would be more than willing to send us help.

 

“It was lovely to meet you both,” she said as she slowly back away from us. “I’ll leave you to settle in but don’t hesitate to reach out with any questions about the neighborhood. I’m on the board of the HOA so I can answer most anything that comes up.”

 

HOA? What is this HOA of which she speaks?

 

“Thank you for coming by,” Anastasia said after I nudged her in the side with my elbow. “We are very excited to be a part your delightful community.”

 

Barb Delancy turned to leave, then paused to watch another stake disguised as a flamingo being planted in the front yard.

 

“One more thing,” she said, a brittle glint in her eyes, “you might want to check the community by-laws. There’s some guidance around the types and amount of yard decoration you might want to read up on.”

 

She hustled down the sidewalk with a half-hearted wave thrown in our direction. Once she was out of earshot, I met Anastasia’s gaze and asked her, “Do you know what an HOA is?”

 

“Not a clue.”

 

We stared out at the yard taking shape as the demon movers continued their work. A moat might be something to consider. The house wasn’t nearly as defensible as I would like.

 

“What do you think of the yard so far?” I asked.

 

“Needs more stakes,” Anastasia answered. She stood on her tiptoes to press a kiss to my cheek. “I know you need your hobbies.”